Confessions of a gay man

I knew being shy from a long time. Being awkward and shy was my thing! In retrospect, this is something which is imposed as well. I remember my father being always angry. Effeminate boys are bad sons or so I started to believe. I was bullied in school for being very quiet and shy. When I went out of the state I met people of different natures. I learnt that being different doesn't necessarily meant being wrong or being bad. I began to nurture my unique persona. I began to experiment with my sexuality. Online dating came as a bliss. I was surprised at the amount of free and guilt free sex available online. My first gaysex experience was gratifying in one sense- I felt desirable. I realised I am not unacceptable. There are people who still liked me and especially for who I am. It took me a lot of time to come to terms with the ground realities. How will my family and friends take it? Will society be ok with a man who wouldn't get married? The first thing that hit me was obviously depression- auto-destructive and suicidal. Years passed and I persevered. With time I began to realise that I want sex but also a relationship- love, romance, stability and all the perks of being "normal". I fell in love with a dreamy man. Alas two men being together, two huge egos and the added pressure of being in love inside the closet broke down!　 Meanwhile my social life improved. I have been lucky to have found so many genuine people who have accepted me for who I am. Of couse few did start to see me as an untouchable. To each his own! To see every gay man as a sex monger was wrong. I set out to fight this stigma. I wanted to prove that this tribe also can be monogamous and loyal. This was a tough call and I didn't make much progress. When I love a man, it doesn't feel wrong. I feel nurtured and cared and protected. This is the most true and honest feeling! It rather feels wrong to justify love. I decided sympathy is never enough. Why seek more? I gathered up the broken pieces of my heart and my parents' and moved ahead. Life is too short to spend it nagging. I still wonder how it is to be in a commited and stable relationship. How marriage and the whole acceptance from your elders and society feel like. It took me years but I managed to be on my own. I learnt to appreciate things as they are.