The Kind Night

She was in his arms. The week had been hectic for both, more so for her. She had been adamant. She wanted to make it through. The will to live had survived in her. The atrocities that befell her this week was way more than her usual intake, she was stressed beyond all extents. At times she felt guilty of not having breathed her last.

She was born with a dream. To be a career woman, to be financially sound and independent some day! This might be the valid dream to all middle-class college-going girls, but she had wished for more. She had dreamt of being loved. She had wanted love, concern and security. She was willing to invest her life for it! She had just one mantra with her- “I am so jealous of those girls who earn well and are also in love! Wish I could be one of those someday! ” But what was she to expect security from an undergraduate? Neither by finance nor through commitments! Vishal, Vishal Rohtak was but an undergraduate and just 22. He was pursuing his last year of engineering in automobiles. She belonged to the same college, final year architecture. She was 21 and seemed so ready for relations, romance and all those wishes she had been living all through her life. She was already there, committed and happy! How difficult is it for two people with poles-apart differences to madly fall in love? What are the odds that they promise to stay by each other’s side, all through their lives? She was that control freak, organized, hygienic and sensible. He was that guy-next-door persona, caring and confused. If he couldn’t even select which dress to wear, she was one of that one-woman-army, capable of taking care of him and her career! But love did happen between the two. They spent endless hours talking. They went out of words to describe how they missed each other when the other one was not around. They dreamt together, dreams of togetherness. Together they dared to realize them all. She started weaving those dreams into their lives. They couldn’t have been better! Finally they moved in together. They just couldn’t bear being separate any more. They were meant to be one, two lives and one living! They say- all good things do come to an end! And it did, slowly and quietly. She couldn’t have realized it if not for his confused state of mind. He preferred not to have priorities in life. At least she could never prove herself to be one of his priorities, if he had any few of it. He had always been unsure, now, even unsure of having her in his life. What are the odds of two people who were in love splitting up? What are the odds of arguments leading to fights and worse? Different people do attract each other, but they remain different. With time the differences grow. They have to finally end up altogether different. So different that they define their own territories and not let the other person to even peek into it. What are the odds of this happening then? That is one situational comedy! She could no longer stay with him. His feelings for her had ceased to live up to her expectations. She has been always blamed of expecting too much from her petite life and the world. But her expectations kept her alive! Did she expect him to be hers forever one day? Did she want to, some day, walk down that holy aisle with him? Did she expect their affair to be a one-never-ending-story? Sure! But time had undone her and she decided to move out. Expectations hurt you in the end. They are even worse than those castles built in the air. Expectations worry you. They always remind you- Dreams hardly come true in real life!

This was her last night with him. “I bought her gifts today!” he smiled. “Yeah? I saw the bills! She must have really liked it. You should have done that to me as well for once, at least for our anniversary last Friday?” What if he has been seeing the other girl for the past 7 days, right on her face? “You better get used to being kind and caring to whoever you are with from now on.” He continued to smile, “Sorry! I have been too harsh on you lately”. Tonight he was kind to her, for which she was not grateful. She deserved much better a treatment. Who was she to join the big-mouthed bandwagon of those ill-hearted men who decide what suit whose life? She never knew right from wrong. She never had the time or the heart to think over it. All she knew was she was in love. Being sincere and honest was what truth was to her. How could she claim hers was the most true love even when he, the one whom she most wanted to relate herself to, failed to know her. Maybe he did at one time, never now! She wanted to stay still in his arms but she couldn’t stop her tears! “Richa! Are you all right? Don’t cry please!” Maybe those were her feelings, melting away as they won’t be able to abide by the excruciated beats of her heart. “I just can’t stop it. Tonight, let me!” He held her hands tighter- “everything will be all right!” It was time she moved on. It was time she thanked her stars for having granted her these precious moments, with him! It was time she stopped loving him! If only the whole thing was that simple!

She was trying to wrap herself up. She had been just too much into her own world. She had imagined they had formed a cozy little world of their own, far from all those do’s and don’ts. Now she realized- the dream was only hers. He had never been that involved in her life, the way she had adsorbed his life to herself! Now it was hard for her to come out of it at all. They discussed the pros and cons of live-in relationships. Now she could be a part of that discussion! She could be one of those examples of how “love” can let you down. Many a times she was blamed. “You are just too insecure Richa! She is just a friend. Why won’t you trust me? What do you want me to do?” That would come as a blow to a lady who claimed to be sensitive, sophisticated and understanding. And it did. Or was it true that people who are too much into loving someone are the ones who always turn out to be insecure, jealous and crazy? “You better mind it! Do you think I can’t make out friendship from flirting? You know that she is a player right?” You would say she herself invited trouble by walking such a tight rope; she never ignored this fact though. She owned everything to herself. She had done her part of sacrifices to keep them together and going. Now it was up to him. He did his part too, not in her favor and now she was out of his life!

Usually she would prefer a high pitched quarrel. Tonight, her voice was shrill and shaking with emotions. She didn’t want to speak. Those words always remained words to him. It never meant a feeling or an emotion. They could never be understood and she was always the abusive speaker, argumentative and unwanted. Yet tonight was the night she had to say something. “I was so much in love with you. Never saw this coming! I am not altogether surprised, but this is happening all so suddenly. I was always prepared for this but you have to give me some time to get used to this”. He smiled. His smile stood for all of his stubbornness and negligence. It lacked the warmth of a healthy smile. Rather it kept reminding her that he was relieved to have her out of his life. She could easily tell it was sympathy. Who feeds sympathy in place of love? Maybe those ex-lovers who want to take pity on their spouses whom they are ditching! Her tears still came running down. Some day she had to see this too. Fair enough! She had been that insightful whore- over protective, over concerned and with an excess dose of love. Who could have tolerated that? Everyone has the right to roam free on this earth. One should select whom to sleep and spend time with as per one’s choice and tastes. That can keep changing. If you live in a world of “no rules”, there is not such a strict definition of love or commitment or for that matter betrayal. Maybe the risks run higher if you are living in your own make-believe world where you imagine and expect that love is to be delivered with love.

“I always liked her. But I used to feel guilty for you. Now I just can’t stop myself from nearing her. This is just the beginning. It could get worse for you.” This must have been what being speechless must feel like! She replied soft, “I got it, just be sure you are not wasting your time! You have always made me sound like a mistake. Let me just be a past, not a past mistake. You could at least remember me as your roomy?” This must have been like smearing insult over your own injury, a painless way to exterminate your own will and self-confidence. She felt more guilty for herself! All this time he was feeling like a caged bird? It would have been difficult for her to brand her care and concern aristocracy! But somewhere down the line she was also responsible for saturating him to all his limits of endurance. She knew it and owned all irregularities to herself. Did she have a choice? “Don’t even make it obligatory to try and help me. I was always good without you too, maybe even better!” Those were words to console him, if that was at all required!
From the moment she came to know of his affair 7 days back, her life had been a torture to her. It was a classmate’s birthday party. They were invited as a couple. Half the gathering knew they were living in. Yet some of them still knew he was showing lesser and lesser interest in her, of late. Why on earth else should she spend 2 hours of the party all by herself, at that dark wretched corner while he was to enjoy all the wine and the “new lady” in their lives? And later to be blamed again, “Can’t you be a little social at least sometimes? Why do you act like the party should have been thrown according to your mood? You act so immature sometimes!” That was another blow to her sensitivity.

But at least she could have been a little more social. Even though she was burning inside, and her world was tearing apart. She still could have flaunted one of those class-oriented wine glasses, flirted with all the men around and seek some casual courtship. That would have made her more social. Who keeps sticking around to their spouses the whole party, when she was not even his wife! Society and social norms- they were coming down on to her like an explicitly and intricately designed mystery, offering her all sorts of pain, baring none of the worst! This was not the first party she had to keep mum about. But this was the last party she would keep herself tolerating. After 3 years of living together, she did not want him to reduce her status to that of the “other lady” in his life.

The truth remains the fact that she was helpless. She did not try to help herself either. All she tried was to end it all in a nice manner and move on, not that it was possible. Injuries heal and scars remain. Those scars remain, to remind you of a time you knew how to believe in love, how to trust someone with all your heart and how to simply depend on someone just because you love him. At that instant, she was reduced to a non existent eventuality. While all the time he was faking up love and living together? She felt like an over consumed and lifeless article of trade.
“I can feel you are avoiding me so badly”, Richa spent her last speck of courage in letting him know her vulnerability. He still didn’t have much to conjecture- “It wouldn’t be fair if I want to love you now, is it?” “I am not trying to avoid you!” They made love, the last time. This was the way to part, at least for him. She didn’t say no, she never could. Today was the day she was left alone, with no dreams with her. No sign of a good future or a good groom. She couldn’t feel him anymore. It felt like a stranger feeling her body, a stranger who had been with her from always; but she used to feel him at one time! If only she and her heart could sense this future!

Vishal had slept off. “Try to get some good sleep all right. Rest a bit if you can!” She still couldn’t sleep a bit, not for this week at least. So much had happened to her so quickly. She couldn’t think of sleep or food. That would have been an overhead to her already pathetic brain!

Everything was in a sorry state- her mind her heart and her life. Her mind kept racing against the odds in her life. She could see only darkness when she closed her eyes, darkness with no dreams in them. Vivid memories flashed intermittent with the darkness. Memories of a time when she was not ignored, memories where she felt good about herself. Memories of a time when she did not feel hollow but she had her dreams to herself, who cared when they were becoming true! “You are my only love!” Love and lies, are they two sides of the same coin? Maybe so! It was just the first time she was witnessing it. Like some ugly facts she was still unaware of. But now she knew of them all.

She was scared to sleep off. She was left with none of her dreams. What if those eyes never opened up to see the living world too? She would then be without reality and dreams. She was already without an identity! She was tired, by heart and by health. Chances were there she could never awake to a new better day and keep moving on alive! The kind night continued in her restlessness and the sleeplessness. At least she realized it was all over, for good!